I've begun to pick apart the lies I've been believing. There are a lot of them and it's taking time to change my thinking.
My 3rd mission trip was to Brazil through YWAM. We went after spending a week in Atlanta praying over the Olympics in the summer of 1996. Toward the end of our two weeks in Brazil the leaders spoke words over us. One of my favorite leaders spoke a word over me, that I would work with children, making a difference in their lives. It took me years to figure out that this did not automatically mean I was supposed to be a teacher. When we became foster parents this word came back to my mind and I knew it was the fulfilling of this word.
Last week a thought popped into my head.
It's so cunning how the enemy works. Seven years ago when we started fostering, there is no way I could have had the thought, "You're just not good with children. It's best to leave that to others," without immediately knowing where that thought came from. But the enemy doesn't always go straight to what he wants us to believe. He chips away. One small thought after a hard moment. A lie so small it's almost undetectable. Those undetectable thoughts build upon each other, slowly chipping away at our identity in Christ and the promises He has given.
I've never wanted to believe I'm more than I am... I've never wanted to come off as cocky or arrogant. In this attempt to keep myself from being over confident, I've achieved quite the opposite and undervalued myself. I've never been confident in my identity or who Christ says I am. So when these small lies pop into my head, it's easy to believe them. I didn't want to believe I was a great mom because of the moments I really screwed up as a mom. I see my impatience, my irritation, my tendency to yell and stack all these things against myself. It's not hard to allow the enemy to chip away at a promise and agree with all the lies.
But that lie... that last one he's been working up to for years. All I can say is that Holy Spirit gave a shout, "NO!" and refused to let it enter my spirit. As I contemplated where it came from and how I came to this place, all the chipping away and all the little lies I believed that led up to this, were clear to me.
I was called to work with children. I was called to see families healed and made strong. I don't know what that looks like yet, as my family is still healing. I don't know how this will play out, but I do see a promise in there - my family will find healing. And as we travel out of the pit, we will grab others and bring them along.
Being confident in this calling is a new feeling for me. I wish it was something I knew how to immediately fully embrace, that God would wipe away every lie in an instant and I could boldly and securely move forward with His plan for my life. It hasn't been that way though, it's a process. Writing it out and being vulnerable with my feelings has been a part of it. I wonder though, if I have allowed this chipping away, have others as well? Can my vulnerability help?
I encourage you to examine your heart and remind yourself of the promises that have been spoken over you. Are you believing any lies about them? Can you recognize where the enemy is chipping away, trying to make sure you never step into what God has for you?