Anchored Joy

Joyfully bringing healing and wholeness to our adopted kids

21 Day Fix; Day 7

Tracee WagnonComment
(I couldn't find who to give credit to for this image I found online. If you know, please let me know!)

(I couldn't find who to give credit to for this image I found online. If you know, please let me know!)

Woop!  One week down!  I am very excited to have completed the first week!  I'll be honest and tell you, I haven't stuck perfectly to the program, however I have done well.  Here's a little recap of my week - 

Day 1 - I posted about already here.

Day 2  - I woke up on day 2 and could barely move.  I'm not sure how to adequately express the pain in my legs.  The act of sitting down and standing up was damn near impossible.  I was so thankful the workout was arms.  I also didn't eat a great dinner, since I hadn't planned well and ended up rushed.  

Day 3 - I still was having extreme leg pain.  So I replaced the scheduled workout with a Pilates workout.  I did well with my food, even skipped the cake as we celebrated my 5 year old's birthday.  I made homemade chicken nuggets and made mine without breading.  However, I did not time it well and my chicken wasn't done until well after everyone else's food was done and I didn't end up eating dinner until after the kids were in bed.  I need to work on making sure my meals are done at the same time as my family's as we eat together every night.  I don't really make myself a whole different meal, just substitute as I need to.  

Day 4 & 5 - I did well with my food these days but I did not work out.  I wasn't sure what else to do besides maybe arms over again since my legs were now cramping up every time I moved.  I decided not to push it and possibly injure myself. 

Day 6 - Day 6 was good and the first time I had to order something to eat at a fast food restaurant.  I did the cardio workout before we left home to travel out of town for a birthday party (where I again resisted cake!).  We were a little rushed and stopped for lunch at the only place we could find - Jack in the Box.  I ordered the grilled chicken salad.  I can't even describe to you how disgusting this salad was.  I do NOT recommend anything chicken from Jack in the Box.  The chicken was slimy and mushy - more like fish consistency. It.Was.Gross.  I spit out both bites I tried.  I ate some of the iceberg lettuce and threw the rest out.  I knew that wouldn't be enough and I'd soon be Hangry, so I walked over to Starbucks and got one of their little sandwich boxes with a small turkey sandwich, apples, and carrots.  I should have just done this in the first place!  The only downfall was it wasn't whole wheat bread.  On our way home we grabbed El Pollo Loco and I got the chicken avocado salad (something like that) and topped it with pico and salsa instead of dressing.  I can't even tell you how good it was!!  Maybe I was just really hungry... either way if I'm out I will definitely chose El Pollo Loco over Jack in the Box.  I'd love to know what everyone else does when they're eating away from home and in a pinch?  I need to also start packing my own foods.  Save calories and money!

Day 7  - Today.  I got my Nutri Ninja in the mail last night!!!  As well as a fresh supply of Ningxia Red from Young Living!  I feel like I'm getting more set up for success.  I noticed a drop in the number on the scale this morning and I'm pleased about that, though I don't want to put all my stock in scale numbers.  I'll do measurements again at the end of week 2.  I made a smoothy with chocolate Shakeology, a banana, and 2 tsp of peanut butter for breakfast.  It was pretty good!  I did my yoga workout and am about to head to the store for food to prep ahead for week 2.

Overall I feel like the week went well.  I could have done better in some areas but I started, and stuck with it.  I'm happy about that.  There will always be room for improvement and I'm trying to be honest with myself on how I do so that I can recognize those areas I need to improve in.  It was hard to keep going when my legs felt so horrible the first few days but today my body feels great!  Sore, but that good sore you get after a workout where every time you move it just reminds you that you kicked some ass!

The biggest help to me this week (other than encouragement from a good friend) was the 21 Day Fix app.  I love the 21 Day Fix app!  It makes it so easy to track and doesn't waste any paper.  I can't wait until all those days are checked!!

(From Day 6)

(From Day 6)

Have you done the 21 Day Fix?  How did it work for you?  What are your best tips?

21 Day Fix; Day 1

Tracee WagnonComment

I made a New Years goal to begin getting into shape.  It took me a few weeks to decide what route to take... there is SO much out there.  I kept coming back to Team Beachbody and the 21 Day Fix.  I've only ever heard good things about the program from those who have done it.  

This time last year I began running, again.  I've always enjoyed running (and hated it, at the same time) and wanted to complete a few races.  I traveled to Washington in June and completed a 1/2 marathon with some friends.  After almost a year of health issues setting me back, completing the half was a huge accomplishment for me.  However, once I got home from Washington I stopped running due to those same health issues.  I soon started working outside the home (after 17 years at home) and since August I haven't worked out or ran at all.

Well, today I felt it.  Day 1 sucked.  I completed the workout but I couldn't hold back tears as I followed along, realizing just how far I had let myself go these past 7 months.  I could barely keep up with the lady that does the modified workout for people who are in really bad shape.  Once I finally finished I was inconsolable.  How did this happen?  We had a rough year... but I shouldn't have used that as an excuse.  I could go through all the "I should have's" but that's not helpful either.  

Once I calmed down a bit, I realized that being this upset wasn't necessarily a bad thing.  Knowing how incredibly out of shape I am may be the motivator I needed to keep me on the program, both eating and working out.  I also realized blogging about my progress will help motivate me and keep me accountable as well.

So Day 1 wasn't all bad, I am glad to have it over with.  I'm thankful for encouragement from a friend who started her journey to healthy and has kicked ass!  

I think the food containers and breakdowns are going to be a great way to pay more attention to what I eat, since I've gotten very lax in that area.  A few times today I wanted to get up and grab some chips and salsa - my downfall.  I'd pick that over cake or sweets most days!  A few times I also thought about snacking and realized I needed to actually think about my snacks.  

For breakfast I had eggs, salsa, and corn tortillas as well as 1/2 a banana and a tsp of peanut butter.  

Snack 1 I tried my Shakeology in my coffee - big fat fail.  It was disgusting.  I know people who put protein powder in coffee, and I've done it successfully but this was just a slimy/chunky mess.

Lunch was a salad with tuna on top and a little dressing (not 21 Day Fix approved, however, it has no sugar and very little fat, it's a vinegar based dressing)

Snack 2 I had celery and hummus.

Dinner was baked chicken with sweet potatoes and asparagus.

As of now I have 1.5 veggies left and .5 fruits.  If for some reason I get hungry later I'll have a little salsa (counts as a fruit) and celery (instead of chips!).

I'm embarrassed to admit how sore I am and I'm sure I'll second guess even posting this later, but if it helps anyone else begin their own journey, it will be worth it.  Day 1 is just going to keep getting harder, so start NOW!

Don't Rush My Grief

Tracee WagnonComment
grief

 

I woke up today and I ached.  I ached to feel the pressure that had been building in my womb, forming a new life.  Instead, I felt empty.  

But I got out of bed.  I took my children to their soccer game.  I cheered for them, felt the rush of adrenaline as their team moved the ball closer and closer to the goal.  I jumped to my feet and shouted when they scored.  And while I didn't take as many pictures as I usually do, I took some.

I wished my husband still had a reason to hover over me and argue about carrying a lawn chair. I wished I could act annoyed at his overprotectiveness, all while secretly being pleased.  My heart ached some more.  Today I was supposed to be pregnant.  I was supposed to be thinking of names and nursery colors.

Yesterday I chatted with my children as they got ready for school.  I took my four year old to the park and we watched trains go by and airplanes do flips in the sky above us.  I was supposed to have my first OB appointment.  I wished I was there, seeing my baby's tiny heartbeat for the very first time.  My heart ached, longing for that moment that was never to be.  I smiled at my daughter and helped her pick out Palace Pets from K-Mart.  It pleased me to be able to spoil her a little bit.

I cooked dinner, excited to try something new in the electric pressure cooker I had forgotten on the counter weeks ago.  It felt good to make a meal for my family, take care of them, be up and in my kitchen.  And it felt horrible.  Horrible that life goes on.  

I am struggling and I am living.  I get out of bed.  I have good moments and bad moments.  I laugh at jokes and suddenly cry at the drop of a hat.  I want to be surrounded by my people and I want to be left completely alone.

The point is - I am grieving.  But I'm also still living.  So when I need to talk of my loss, please let me.  Please don't tell me it happened for a reason.  It may be true, but just let me grieve my loss.  Please don't tell me that something better is coming.  My heart wanted this thing.  This baby.  This life.  I know God has a plan for me.  I know He is working all things for my good, no matter how not good things feel right now.  But I can still grieve.

Today a song we used to sing in King's Kids popped into my head.  He turned my mourning into dancing again, He's lifted my sorrows. I can't stay silent, I must sing for His joy has come. I smiled as I tried to remember the words in Portuguese. I know His joy will come.  I have no doubt of that.  I still feel moments of joy when my children smile and my husband tells me he loves me.  But I can still mourn my loss.

I can't rush this process.  I can't stuff my feelings down and look ahead.  We need to get past the idea that mourning and sadness are somehow bad things.  Stuffing our feelings doesn't make us stronger.  Working through them does.  Working through my grief, allowing the feelings, and the process, is how I will get to better days.

I know the Lord is working all things for my good... but when I stuff my feelings and hasten this process, how would I ever see the good He can work in this?  What was even the point of my baby's life if I don't take the time I need?  

I wanted so much more time with this baby... I'm never going to get that time, this side of Heaven.  

Soon life is going to take over, Senior Year events, soccer games, Girl Scouts, work, family trips... I'm not going to think of him just about every moment, hours will go by, then a day at a time, and then some day it could even be weeks.  I know how this goes, we've done it before.  I think about our child we lost thirteen years ago just about every time someone asks how many children I have and I answer four, so things don't get awkward.  But I don't think about him every day anymore, or even every week.  

So I know how it goes.  And I know I need this time to mourn our loss.  

I'm getting out of bed every day.  So as long as I'm doing that, and as long as I'm laughing still, and cooking dinner, and taking my daughter to the park, and cheering on soccer games, and having pointless conversations about Starr Wars, and having good moments... please don't rush my grief.